So, your spouse has decided to go to law school. First of all, this is amazing! Second of all, your life is about to change. Law school is incredible but if you are going to support your significant other, you may begin to wonder what life is going to be like for the next three years. Well, these are my law school tips for you as you become a law school spouse.
I’ve decided to split this up into two parts. Part 1 is about your partner, the law student. Part 2 is about you, the partner. They are both so important that I realized each deserved their own post. Part 1 is the law school tips for you regarding your partner or your spouse. You are probably wondering how to help them or be there for them during school. These are my law school tips for how to show up for your law student spouse!
When I first told people about my husband’s decision to go to law school, I heard phrases such as “law widow” or “I’m worried you’re going to be so lonely” or “wow you are brave for letting him do this“. I am here to settle all of the worries and fears that you have and hopefully give you the hope and guidance that I desperately looked for in preparation for this.
Before the law school tips..
The most important law school tip is actually advice. The next three years will be as good or as miserable as you both make it. Law school is not for the faint of heart but you also don’t have to sacrifice your relationship or happiness because of it. Your life doesn’t have to be put on hold. You can live a great life while one of you is in school. It may look different than before but that doesn’t mean it can’t be filled with fun, laughter and happiness.
I encourage you to embrace this new season of life and find the joys that it will bring. You may just find your new best friends or experience and love a city that you never thought you would live in. These next three years have the opportunity to change your life in an incredible way. So, with that being said, here are my law school tips for spouses.
Law School Tips for the Spouse: the law student
Law School Tips #1: Encourage them
This one seems simple but it’s important. There are going to be times when your partner questions why they went back to school or jumped straight into law school after undergrad. It could be the first day of school or when they are struggling through finals. There will be many times that they will need encouragement from you.
Encourage them to get out of the house, or get involved in something at school. I will touch on this more later but remind them that there is life outside of law school. The first year is the hardest year so this can be crucial for helping them get through it successfully. Encouraging them can help remind them that they are not only capable of doing this daunting task of attending law school but also that they have your support. Knowing this will help them more than you will realize.
Law school tip #1: Encourage them in the mundane tasks. Tell them that you are proud of them and that they inspire you for going after their dream. It may seem silly but one of our biggest jobs is to support them because law school is hard. It’s hard mentally, emotionally and they can become run down physically. If you are in the position to support your partner through this journey, you have a front row seat to being their biggest cheerleader.
Law School Tips #2: Ask how you can help
One of the ways that I feel like I am helpful is when I ask “how can I specifically help you this week”. Many times they will have things going on in class that you won’t understand. Whether it’s stress, anxiety or just the adjustment of going back to school, sometimes asking for specific directions on how you can help can be the best, most efficient thing.
If you are not going to school with them, these next three years are going to be spent taking care of them in many ways that may make you feel like you are their mother. You don’t have to do everything but the best way that you will be able to help is to help them in areas of their life you may not be used to. I tend to get stuck doing all of the annoying chores but I remind myself “I could be reading 80 pages of law cases for one class tomorrow” and that usually helps me feel better!
Law school tips #2: Ask them how you can help so that you can know that you are actually helping. This question will make your willingness to help be more beneficial and productive. It will help your partner learn how to tell you how they need help that week. This could look like cooking food or preparing snacks for the day or doing their laundry or running an errand to get more highlighters. Whatever it is, ask how you can specifically help them that day or week and be willing to follow through.
Law School Tips #3: Encourage Them To Get Involved
This one is so important for both of you. Encourage them to get involved somehow with the law program or with the school. Sometimes when you move on to graduate programs, people seem to think it’s not as important or it’s lame to get involved in clubs or programs. I disagree with this.
Even though you are married, engaged or dating, it is important for them to make friends within the program and outside of you. This will help both of you. They will have more people who truly understand what they are going through and they can have deeper conversations about school with them. This will be beneficial for you because they will be able to get out of the house and not feel trapped by home or school. In the end, this will help them be more relaxed and present when they are at home with you.
Law school tips #3: Encourage them to get involved in school. Some ways that they can get involved is to join a club or a student teaching program. My husband joined an intramural basketball team and it was one of the best things for him. It forced him to get out and run around which helped him get his mind off of school for an hour once a week. It also helped him get to know people within his class in a setting outside of school. They started meeting for pick up games and practice sessions. Ultimately, this led to new great friendships that we value so much!
Law School Tips #4: Designate time at least once a week that is “your time”
Designate a time of the week that both of you agree to be “your time” every week. This can be beneficial for your relationship because it is a time that both of you will be prepared for and can be present for. School is busy and takes up a lot of time. Planning for a specific time each week can help them separate from school and be prepared for that time off. This can change with each semester. Choose a time that both of you can be present and know that your schedules will not have a conflict.
My husband and I have Sunday mornings. We get up and go to church and then we usually have lunch together afterwards. Whether it is going to try a new restaurant or coming home to cook brunch, we both know that Sunday mornings are our time together. We have weeks where we get more time together if a class is canceled or the readings are not as heavy but during the weeks that are very busy, we both know that Sunday mornings are set aside for us.
Law school tips #4: Designate time for yourselves at least once a week. Be strict with it and know that every week, that time is nonnegotiable. Consistency is key. Your relationship doesn’t have to be put on hold just because law school is busy. It is very easy to brush it off or think this isn’t important. But law school is three years which is a long time in a relationship. It will help you touch base with each other each week and prevent frustration build up. I don’t want you to show up to graduation three years from now and not really know the person walking the stage.
Law School Tips #5: See this as a time to grow in your relationship
These three years will test you in many ways. You can either let the challenges bring you together or tear you apart. My husband and I grew so much in our first year of law school. We had to support each other in ways we didn’t know we needed. We learned how to communicate more efficiently and we made time for each other by getting out of the house and exploring our new city of Tucson.
Like I said before, law school is three years and that is a long time for a relationship. If you are supporting your partner and not in law school, don’t hold this decision over their head. Don’t use school as a weapon or make them feel bad for how it affects you. it is important that you made this decision together. You can fight the struggles together.
Law school tips #5: This is an opportunity to grow in your relationship. Whenever you are struggling, change your viewpoint on the situation. Instead of looking at the bad things, tell yourself this will help you grow as a couple. Look at all of the opportunities to grow and develop your relationship to a deeper connection.
Law School Tips #6: Don’t take things too personally
Stress is real. There are so many reading assignments that are required for class each week and finals are brutal. If your spouse gets stressed or needs to read, try not to take the absence personally. There will be evenings where you will have free time and they might be reading at home. Always ask if they have time to spend with you if that is what you want, but try your hardest to not take a “no” personally.
Remind yourself that school is their full time job. Obviously, it doesn’t give them the right to completely ignore you or avoid you. However, it is important that you remind yourself that their responsibilities are very important and to do well in law school, you have to put in the work and the long hours.
If you feel like you need more time together, talk to them about it. See if there are any adjustments that you can make to help fulfill whatever you are wanting from them. Ask them if it is attainable and figure out a plan. Communication is key for a healthy relationship through these years.
Law school tips #6: Don’t take things too personally. If they are taking time to study at home or at the library, that is something to celebrate them for. Don’t take the absence due to studying personally. Don’t take the random outburst personally. Obviously, if there is an issue you can address it. However, if you are upset because they aren’t present or they snapped at you for something, try your best to show them grace and talk to them about it instead of getting upset.
In Closing
As someone who is married to a law student in her current life, I understand a lot of the fears and unknowns you are looking at. It is very hard to be a spouse or partner of a law student. However, it is so much fun to watch them succeed and learn so much about something that they find interesting. These are just a few of the law school tips that I have for spouses and partners of a law student.
Remember that this is temporary and the benefits to come outweigh the inconveniences right now. All of our friends are currently working, traveling or buying houses while we rent a 900 square foot apartment and have very little money. Remind yourself that this small three year adjustment will set you on a new trajectory quicker than you will realize.
I encourage you to embrace this new season of life and find the joys that it will bring. You may just find your new best friends or experience a city that you never thought you would live in. These next three years have the opportunity to change your life in an incredible way. With that being said, welcome to law school!